| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2009|07:04 pm] |
|
Things still have not gotten any better. |
|
|
| Obstacles |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|08:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
I hate what it has done to me. The trust. Honestly, to be optimistic it has gotten a lot better (in terms of frequency). But when something gets inside my head, it blows up and drives me crazy. I create an entire situation in my head, that I know is impossible but then I start to believe it. I actually have to sit down, think about it, and shake it off. It's hard. To do that for someone you love. It's like going through drug withdrawals. At least, that's how hard I imagine it to be. Sometimes I don't feel like it's recognized either. I mean, maybe I am expecting too much (probably so). But I feel like I should be even more desired, and I'm not. I love her, and I am playing it cool, doing my thing. But I am insanely in love with her, and isn't part of the crazy love not having to think before you act? She tells me I don't, that's part of what comes with being her girlfriend..but. What's up with the (I need to spend more time with my family) (I can't be affectionate with you because some of our arguments, or I don't know why I can't show you I love you) or EVEN (Yeah, we haven't had sex in two weeks, I don't know why) Then I end up wondering if I really am weird being apprehensive with things I want with us. The past week we haven't argued, partly because anything that remotely disturbs me I dismiss, and I think it is getting a little bit easier. But sometimes I find that I am letting so many things go that I am not taking the relationship as seriously. I don't know. I am going to ride it out, and go with the flow because I love her. On a side note, work has been okay. I have been more focused then ever, and I am hoping for a promotion very soon. I am going to go get my passport tomorrow, plan a trip to France during the summer. That's all for now :) |
|
|
| Trust |
[Jan. 21st, 2009|07:51 am] |
|
Is it possible to earn trust again? Within a second, trust can completely vanish leaving you to pay attention to small detail more then you usually would in fear of being hurt. Can trust ever be fully restored? Or is it a constant battle that you deal with for the person you love. I am having a hard time trusting you. It's so difficult. Every picture, every text, every vacant moment I don't hear your voice or know where you are I wonder. It's terrible. But my love for you is so great, that I can't bare to let you go in fear that that might hurt worse. So I gamble my heart. It feels like a waiting game, like I'm in the unknown. What do I do? I'm so scared. Especially because you fancy both sexes it makes it more difficult then you can fathom. My confidence is not the issue, it's your decisions. Make me feel okay, make me feel like I can trust you. Right now I'm scared, I just want the old you in the beginning. Where trust was not an issue. The only thing between us was our craziness for each other. I could feel your desire for me more then ever, and now I feel as though we have begun some monotonous routine. Be crazy for me again, you say you are in love with me? Show me. |
|
|
| Just a thought. |
[Jan. 9th, 2009|11:54 am] |
|
Which is worse? Emotional cheating or physical cheating? |
|
|
| Today. |
[Jan. 6th, 2009|01:58 pm] |
|
Not sure if it's because aunt flow paid a visit, or that I'm just overly emotional today but I feel like I'm in a bad Lifetime movie! |
|
|
| What's been happening lately |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|10:49 am] |
It's been so long since I have written a journal entry on this account. Things have certainly changed. I've been in California now for almost two years, it has certainly had its up's and down's. I've went into a lot of different directions, but definitely feel like I have finally began to gain stability and a life for myself. A couple of months ago I moved into my own studio in long beach with my puppy cauliflower. Yes, that is her real name.
I work at a company in Orange County as a business development manager. I finally found love, with a beautiful girl named Mila
Things with us have been better then I could ask for. I'm still dealing with trust issues, and hoping those will fade away soon. I love her so much, and just sometimes have troubles acting like such a girl haha. But I'm working on it. Will keep you posted :) |
|
|
| pyschopath |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|11:18 pm] |
|
what do people deem as crazy. does crazy even make sense. does it make sense to listen to what i'm saying. or is what i'm saying make sense or crazy. who says that someone is crazy and who says that that person isn't them theirselves. |
|
|
| days go by |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|09:49 pm] |
|
I can't believe it's already been almost two months since the last time i've written in here. Seems like an eternity. Isn't it weird how moments of our lives can seem like freeze frames while others fly by. One certain emotion can alter the way we perceive time? I haven't really noticed that until recently. As most of you do and don't know i'm in L.A right now. Crazy right? But not unpredictable. My life tends to be characterized by that one word alone. I have a girlfriend (whom I cherish more then words can describe), and no I didn't move here just for her. I had personal reasons for my big decision, and I finally have a job that pays very well. I'm working on getting a car within the next few weeks, as well as my own place. In that order. Other then that i'm still on my binge of being famous. We'll see though. I haven't been seizing opportunties like I should be. And for those of you who know me, know how much seizing an opportunity means to me. I'm a firm believer that everyone in this world is givin an opportunity for something really big in their life, but its only for this certain time frame. Like being discovered for instance. You walk into a coffee shop and sit down, by yourself. A huge producer is sitting right next to you, and you say not a word. I'm a huge talker, so my first instinct would be to begin an elaborate coversation with the individual, as most like to stay guarded and to themselves. Well regardless i'm still waiting for my moment. I've appreciated everything so far in my life, the good and the bad, the deep and surfaced. I'm just waiting for a new chapter to begin. |
|
|
| bills bills bills |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|10:24 pm] |
|
i sound like that ridiculous song by destinys child. however, i have spent my summer-current working to pay off all my bills. with nothing to enjoy. its saddening really, but i guess its life. anyways, everything else in my life is going good. i have a few wonderful friends, and no DRAMA. thank the sweet lord. hope everyone else is doing wonderful :) |
|
|
| hola amigos |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|07:08 pm] |
|
so it's been awhile, sorry. i'm finally settled back at home (bloomington,il) and it's actually not as bad as i thought. i'm saving money, spending time with my family, and after many attempts-getting my life back in order. i have a fulltime job, and am slowly but steadily paying off my huge amount of debt. as soon as my loans are defered i'm going to take more out for beauty school. yes more debt, but i'll finally be happy doing what i want in life. i also finally have a girlfriend, whom i adore. i couldn't be happier with the progression my life has made, and i'm just trying to keep my chin up and hope it continues that way! |
|
|
| it's always |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|01:53 pm] |
|
disappointment after disappointment |
|
|
| je fais ce que je veux |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|11:28 pm] |
|
Where to even start. My life in the past three months has been, for lack of a better term...chaotic. I did apartment jumping like a nomadic freak until I eventually came to wits end and moved home. Good decision..I think? Anyways, I hurt a lot of people I left in Chicago. I can't blame it on anyone else other then myself. I guess it seems like every entry I write is so depressing, it's just I don't want to hide the bad and seem perfect...which i'm far from. However, there is a sad side of Britt lately. I'm not acting as strong as usual, and the hurts showing more. But whatever..I just know that if I keep trying to stay positive and focused on what I do, i'll be a better person. I got a great quote from a friend once..(super cheesy but true).."It was that one step, between the greatest failure and the greatest win, that made that person great" |
|
|
| Again |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|09:36 pm] |
|
Nothing really new as of late. I find out tomorrow if I got that bank job which hopefully goes well. Been upset lately, but that's nothing new. I'm still compeltely heartbroken because of my last relationship. And i'm still completely in love with her. I can't tell her though. She is so happy right now, and that's all that matters. Love is unselfish, so i'm trying to be that way. But it breaks my heart everytime I see a picture of them or anything of that nature. We don't even speak anymore, but I have to respect that as her decision because I have tried on numerious occasions to get ahold of her. If this is what she wants, I agree. Other then that i've been low key. No dating for me, i'm still not ready. My heart is still as broken as the day we split. It's also hard to talk to people about it, because they always say your better then that. I don't know. Until next time. |
|
|
| Riff Raff |
[Apr. 29th, 2006|08:12 pm] |
|
Thanks certainly, of course have changed. My life can be categorized by a series of events too complicated to even explain. The chapters in my life change so unexpectedly that I take everything in life as temporary. As of late I am living with three amazing people. They took me in, and keep me up. I recently moved out of my old apartment where I lived with my ex-girlfriend. She was wonderful, things just didn't work out as planned. So I moved out and that's brought me here. I hear I am materialistic, far from it. Currently, i'm living out of two suitcases, and the most valuable thing I own is my ipod. I had an interview for a bank job, so i'm crossing my fingers that it works out. That job could really change a lot of things for me in my life. Until then, i've been single and trying to get my life back into order. I'm trying to make the best of this, it's hard though with so much negativity that i'm being faced with. I have no harsh feelings towards anyone, i'm just being pesimisstic, and hoping for better days. I'm really excited that my birthday is coming up (May 3rd) because my parents are visiting. I don't get to see them often because they are about two hours south. Anyways, until next time. |
|
|
| back to my stompin grounds |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|09:30 am] |
|
so i'm back officially as of wednesday night. im livin with some good girls until i get my head above water. i'm now working three jobs, and if my new job goes according to plan i'll be in ny by december, which i can't even describe to you how excited i am. i have the opportunity to move to pittsburgh in the summer, so that may also be a possibility. other then that things have been pretty low key. besides the fact that some bum told me i had a nice ass on the train, and i threw up. i dont have an ass. |
|
|
| rough spot |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|10:30 pm] |
|
things lately have been rough. i've been having a lot of flash backs, and getting myself into hurtful situations..who know's why. its like its unexplainable. i keep finding myself in a predicament where im hurt again and again. it seems that im desired, then when i finally find what i want, i get screwed over. seems to be how it usually works out though. my moms sick again though...it scares me. today i talked to her and she didn't even turn her head. she just kept staring at the wall. it's hard to pick and chose conversations with her. because of her illness, she always thinks im picking fights with her. im not. i just pray that soon it will be to the point where she conversates again. if thats a word. anyways. |
|
|
| thank goodness |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|07:31 am] |
|
i have amazing friends. enough said. i have a few who are letting me live with them in chicago for pretty much free until i get my head above water. now i can finally go back to paying my bills. phew. |
|
|
| It's about time.. |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|10:07 pm] |
|
So it's been forever since i have posted an entry. Needless to say, so much has changed. I'm now back in Bloomington,IL with the parents. I'm single again, which is OKAY. After getting my heart-broken I keep searching to fill in this void, instead of moving in a positive direction. I just want this individual to know that I wish them the best. I'm still working on paying my bills. But most importantly i'm looking for the old Britt. When I got home yesterday my Dad sat me down for a long talk and made me realize oh so many things. When I left for Chicago about two years ago I had everything going for me. I had a scholarship at UIC and was on their track and field team. I threw it all away, and my priorities got all messed up. I used to be such a great selfless person, and i've become selfish and that needs to change. I need to realize that it's not always all about me. And sometimes even if i'm right, just to let it go. It's not worth it. So cross your fingers and wish me the best on this new journey in my life. I really hope it all works out. And to my friends in Chicago, I love you and miss you. Thanks for being a part of my life. |
|
|
| Can't wait |
[Dec. 26th, 2005|09:55 pm] |
|
It's been good to be home but i'm ready to go back to Chicago. I miss the busy life, and especially my other half Jessica. Christmas was great, I got a few presents to help pay rent and just some small things from my close family. I've hung out with a few friends while being home, mostly Mr. Mike Brown. He's one of the best guy friends that you can have. So I hope that we stay in touch. Other than that this is a short entry. I'll be back in Chicago on the 28th. Until next time...=) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|10:51 am] |
|
So things have certainly changed. I'm now moved in with my amazing girlfriend and it's almost been two months since we have been there. There have been a few small fights here and there but thats expected when you move with eachother. I left UIC as most know so I have been working off the chain. I'm saving up for school again but I need to find a better job. Cross your fingers. Anyway, i'm home right now visiting my family and Jessica is up north in Michigan visiting hers. I think it will be a nice break for the most of us, even though I still admit I miss her like crazy. My family's doing good. My mom decided however to go off her medication for awhile and see what happens. I think it might actually be a good change, she's back to how she used to be, my mom.. and I missed that and forgot how that was. It's nice to be home though, I have done a lot of relaxing and tanning and just seeing old friends from high school. This break won't last long though, then I have to go back to Chicago and work some 60/hr a week at French Connection on a wage I can barely live on. I REALLY need to find another job. But i'm not going to worry, money comes and goes. That's what I thank Jessica for anyways. She taught me not to worry so much about little things like that. Well i'm going to go watch Jerry Springer and do fist pumps at the TV with my mom. Until next time.. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
brits_tits_rock's journal